BUILDING THE ROAD TO DIVORCE
The road to divorce is usually a long, energy sapping, traumatising one. Albeit, for some people, it happens so fast they can not even remember the time they said ‘Yes.’ Whether a long or short road is taken, it is a fact that it takes a build up before you arrive at divorce.
At the beginning of a romantic relationship, only two people are involved. It becomes the business of the families, society and other stakeholders when marriage is to be solemnised. However, when children arrive in the marriage, they form the core of those to be considered in whatever happens to the marriage. One of the reasons children area usually part of the issues, partners contest for in dissolution of marriage. In divorce, paternity of children is usually keenly contested by both parties.
There is a lot of efforts put in a relationship especially by a man when wooing a lady. A lot of patience is exhibited while she is trying to make up her mind. Many a time, he takes time to find out what she loves, the kind of man she expects him to be, what are her hobbies etc. Sometimes, it is like the man is prepared to wait for ever. For some, particularly those who know that there are deeply spiritual angles to marriage, they pray, fast, keep vigils seeking the face of God for the one he has taken out of their ribs. The ladies too, after conviction that they are ready to go on a lifetime journey with the man begins to position herself in his programme. She is visible to everyone acting the “chosen one.” She exhibits all the traits of a virtuous woman. The family of the man gives her a pass mark under scrutiny. The business that started with only two people now becomes public knowledge as both families and friends begin top gear preparations for the wedding. However, it is sad to note that all the efforts we put into our courtship fly through the windows few years into the marriage.
When a business is set up, every stakeholder does his best to make sure the business survives. No one wants to lose his investment. Even when it looks like the business has lost grip, they still pick up the pieces and try to pierce them together so it does not fold up. We need to begin to see marriage as an investment that should not fold up in divorce. It is a life time investment “till death do you part.” Death is suppose to be the liquidator of marriage and not divorce. Divorce is provided as an exit because human beings are prone to error of omission or commission but it is not the plan of God. This exit is usually taken by many as the first option though it is provided by law as the last option.
It is pertinent that when issues arise in marriage, we should first create an atmosphere of communication. Each partner should act responsibly to make the joint business work. It should not be left for one to make all the sacrifice as if only his or her life depends on their stay together. Listen to each other. Do not play the deaf and the blind to the pain of your partner. Playing the ostrich, pretending like you do not know anyone is hurt is a roller coaster ride to divorce.
One of the greatest ways to light up the fire of your marriage is to take a trip to where you started from. Memories have a way of soothing the soul. Take a flight away from where you are now. Create time away from all the encumberances you have and go to all the places that hold special memories for both of you. Make efforts to be the lady and guy that met before your marriage. Both of you should take a decision to talk to a counselor without holding anything back. As much as it is advised that you should not allow third parties into your marriage, you still need to talk to somebody with integrity in order to save your mind. Bottling up have made people go insane or an emotional wreck.
Note that there is no judge who takes delight in granting divorce to couples. Even in the line of duty, they still encourage them to go back and exhaust all avenues to salvage their marriage. Divorce is an exit but definitely not the first option.
She is the founder of Cassandra's Diary, a forum for trashing out issues in families.
Married to Dele, they are blessed with 3 children, Temi, Tolu and Alexandra.
In summary, my team and I, we are counselors and public speakers with a passion to raise model families.